Prayers for Mom, please

Thanks.

The doctors think that it's an infected pickline and a very bad reaction to chemotherapy.

They're saying chances are good that she'll survive the hospital provided there's nothing serious.

Now here's the you're busted if you do, busted if you don't comes in. The cancer Mom has is very agressive and will come back. How do you give chemo to someone who becomes deathly ill by it? Ever hear about the poison and the cure in the same bottle?

The doctors say chances are she'll make it one year but most likely not past two and definately not past five.

But then who knows? I should've died several times over. Guess I'm too stubborn to die. ;)

So...what do you do? That's the question we're asking right now.
 
How is your mom doing now, Errowyn? I hope she feels better.

EDIT: You posted the same time. :)

It's hard to make a decision now. I don't know really what I should say. It's a sad situation and I'll think of you and your mom.

Perhaps sometimes it better to enjoy the time you have on earth instead of feeling more ill with medicine. Who knows how long it will take without medicine? Who knows if the medicine wouldn't help really. It's truly a hard decision...
 
Mom's gotten worse over night. She's on a ventilator and is heavily sedated.

Her white blood cell count has skyrocketed meaning her body is being attacked by everything from the common cold to pneumonia.

They don't know if she'll make it. They say if she makes it 24 hours there's a chance she'll survive. Right now they're going for six.

I'm praying my next post won't be about her passing.
 
It's been a little over three hours and the doctor says there's no change. What ever this illness is it's pounding her body. Her white blood cell counts are literally off the chart and she's on full life support. She's heavily sedated right now. The doctor says it's everything from the common cold to a more severe illness.

They've established it's the chemo that's done it. The problem is without it she'll be dead within a year. How do you administer a cure when it's the treatment that destroys you?

And now the powers that be have decided to post notices saying don't park your cars on the street because they're repaving. ...They're only three days late in that notice.

That's it. They made me break it out...
DoubleFacePalm.jpg
 
Personally, it should be her decision. Does she want to stay on life-support and undergo further chemo therapy or not? While I'm usually one of the more adamant conservatives (in California, no less :eek), I'm a moderate on this issue. It should be up to the patient.

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is see what your mother wants, and then support it as best you can. But I agree with what everyone else says: you should savor every moment with your mother. If this makes sense: get to know her as well as you would like. I'm sure you'll want to spread her legacy to your children one day. This may sound callous at first, but some people end up dying suddenly. If this is true, and the doctors can't do anything, you can make every moment count, something that many of us never do. Keep up your spirits, Errowyn!

Oh, and nice motivational poster. :)
 
My god :(

Errowyn, my soul, my heart and all my thoughts go out to you.

Please do one thing - don't think she won't make it.

I know it's easier said than done.

Don't give up to life - as it can be totally unfair at times.

Hang in there.

And I dearly hope she gets out of this somehow.

I will be praying everyday.
 
Dad called to tell me she's doing better. Thanks to a quick thinking nurse it appears she's going to make it.

I really feel like a carrier pidgeon having to deliver the information to everyone my parents know.

A friend of mine in South Carolina made an interesting comment when she called me.

Her: "You're like a soldier, you know that?"
Me: "Pardon?"
Her: "Your parents are like the generals. Everyone notices the generals and some to most forget the soldiers who work behind the scenes."

Funny how people come up with odd comments in times of great trauma.

I'd imagine Dad at least will be coming back by the end of the week. I don't know when Mom will be coming back.
 
He's right I think, this must be so hard on you all this up and down.

I'm just catching up.
This sounds so scary.

You are holding up remarkably, I'd say.
 
In theory Mom will be moved out of I.C.U. today.

Oh, trust me, I'm not nearly as stoic as I appear to be. I've been doing nothing but eating and sleeping these past two days. I am emotionally drained and have got no energy.

At first being a slug was okay but now it's getting kind of boring. Tomorrow I'm wandering around town.
 
Sounds like a good idea to get out of your usual surroundings. Maybe you can find something fun to do in town just to give yourself a break.
:)
 
I've been pretty much running on auto pilot lately. I'm too worn out to be worn out.

I did walk around town and hunt for cans and bottles for recycling. I've got a nice little stash I need to smash once the weather cools and they stop working on the roads.

I went online and bought myself some artwork and a Victorian style purse I can use for my costumes. The artwork I just loved.

Since both orders are going to the east coast I should have them by next month sometime.

Mom is out of I.C.U. and back in the chemo ward. Dad said that she's scared which is perfectly understandable. If it were me I'd be just plain stubborn.

She has no memory of her time in the I.C.U. which I honestly think is merciful.

Right now between her and a sloth in an energy contest that sloth is going to win. And yes, I just made that phrase thingy up just now.

Edit

Dad called to tell me Mom's suffering from short term amesia and can't remember much of anything. She's still incredibly weak and can't get around.

With me auto-pilot is starting to crash. I'm exhausted and yet too tired to sleep. My eyes are starting to cross and I'm having difficulty focusing. I've been like this before once in my teens.

Eventually my brain will force me to sleep and my brain will reboot me. It's one of those things I've got to see about waiting out.
 
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I do believe auto-pilot crashed on me this morning. I started making silly mistakes I shouldn't be making.

I feel kind of odd sitting here thinking, "Now what? What happens after auto-pilot goes out on you?"
 
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I don't know.
Maybe it's a good thing? Maybe it allowes you to let a few things out that may have bottled up?

*sends you a virtual hug*
 
I don't think I can do this. I really don't.

Mom will need a 24 hour nurse and I was chosen to be that nurse. I'm making stupid mistakes and accidently sliced my hand open while cutting a bagel.

I don't think I can be a decent nurse with myself screwing up like this. Maybe I'm being selfish but I want something more than just to be at home all the time and only really getting one outing once a year.

I'm honestly terrified I'm going to screw up and there's going to be a terrible accident that I won't be able to fix.
 
It must be terrifying having such a burden, not that your mom is a burden, but the responsibility is huge! No wonder you're making mistakes under all that pressure. Is there anyone you can take turns with ? Your dad? Other relatives? it shouldn't be just you.

How long will she need a nurse for ? Temporarily or permanently?
I take it hiring someone in sometimes is not viable anytime soon is it?
 
I feel better today though still a bit overwhelmed. Having to take care of a parent is a lot of work. It's even harder because Dad or I will have to carry her everywhere as she can't take more than a few steps.

They've put Mom on disability for a year and then early retirement.

We don't have the money to hire anyone to help out.

I sometimes feel overwhelmed because there's so much angst and worry within me. Though because of all that's happened I think I got a good reason to feel it. Whack me over the head with a billy club. That'll get me relaxed...unconcious...but my muscles will relax. ;)
 
Mom's back in cardiology due to a massive amount of fluid in her chest cavity. They've drained a chunk of it but are keeping her there. She had a bad panic attack the other day so they've got her on anti-anxiety/depression medication. Only draw back is it takes two weeks to fully get a grasp on a person.

I've also got jury duty on the 11th of this month. Needless to say I'm getting out of that. Actually with the mood I've been in I think they'd kick me out before I got there. At least it's in the afternoon this time.

Mom's scared which is understandable. She was crying when I was talking to her. That hurt and made me angry. Hurt that she was so upset and I couldn't do anything, angry that she was so upset and I couldn't do anything.

If it's me I just get mad, yell, scream, and curse my way through it.

If all goes well Mom will be back in hemotology in a week. I certainly hope so. Once she's back there she'll calm down and start to settle down.

The room Mom's in is painted a dark brown which is not a good color because it makes a small room appear even smaller. Who ever chose the color scheme needs to be spoken to.

My neighbor asked me if I'd consider speaking or writing about what I'm feeling. I shook my head and said "no." When she asked me why I said, "There's wars going on, people with chronic illnesses, others have to choose between their medications and food, some are homeless. I think hearing about the problems of some mere artist girl would bore them."

I still haven't gotten a response to that.
 
Well, I don't think you should not express yourself because others have graver worries.
You are important too. And the better you are off the better you can be there for the world. And don't you think you can help people in a similar situation if they read what you went through?
So if it's your wish to write or talk about your experiences it will do only good and no harm. And at the very least it will make you feel better and that will make everyone happy who cares about you :)

Can you do something about the decoration in your mom's room? Are you allowed to put a poster up or so? or if you can't put someting on the wall, maybe put up someting in front of it?
Maybe nice drawings and good wishes?
 
Dad's up at Stanford and won't be back until the 10th so I don't think so. I've got no way of getting there and I don't know if the doctors would allow it.

The thought is appreciated though. :)
 
I had my grandparents pass away a year ago.

My grandpa died in my dad's arms.

I do not know what your going through and being a non judgemental person I will not assume either.

But in my case, I've never felt such saddening emotions in my life.

And I still miss them to bits.

So I hope you understand when I ask I you this.

Just make sure you take care of yourself as much as you are for your mum ok?
 
My neighbor asked me if I'd consider speaking or writing about what I'm feeling. I shook my head and said "no." When she asked me why I said, "There's wars going on, people with chronic illnesses, others have to choose between their medications and food, some are homeless. I think hearing about the problems of some mere artist girl would bore them."

Just remember something about feeling "mere". You know the expression "War is hell"? Well, the problems of war are composed of each individual person's problems. The problem as I see it is that you feel that you don't have a right to be upset, because there are others suffering worse. By that logic, there is always somebody suffering worse than somebody else. There is a difference between being burnt out and upset versus just trying to garner pity.

You may want to consider talking about it, to show other people who may have problems of their own, but feel that talking about it would make them seem "weak". I'm sure that you're neighbor won't judge you badly, because you have real bad things going on in your life right now.
 
It's kind of hard around town to talk as the talk is always abut Mom and no one asking me how I am. Quite often I'm told to simply get over it and to think about Mom instead and what she's going through.

It's difficult because I'm told "Ninety-nine percent of my sympathy is to your mother and I've got none left."

The door is almost always slammed in my face when I try to strike up a conversation around town.

As a kid I was often told that I was "wrong" or "stupid" for feeling such a way. I've heard that all my life so it's very difficult for me to express emotions because I've been hurt so many times.