Date: Thu, 26 Aug 93 14:07:55 EDT From: Tracy Finifter Subject: Quantum Borg Message-Id: Here's a very short, a very silly, and a very *OLD* story I wrote ages ago. In fact, it needs a little intro in order to place it: After the third season of "Star Trek: The Next Generation", those of us who hung around the Science Fiction/Fantasy forum of CompuServe spent a good deal of the summer writing our own endings to the season three cliffhanger, "The Best of Both Worlds". A *lot* of silliness went over the network that summer. I cannot take credit for the idea. That came from somebody's Beauty and the Beast crossover which ended in what became my leap-in. Remember, this was written before the fourth season of TNG and is meant as a parody only. Enjoy! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- "Quantum Borg" by Tracy E. Finifter Riker: Mr. Worf. Fi... (all of the sudden, Riker is enveloped in a strange, blue light which eventually dissipates leaving him looking confused) Worf: Commander? Riker(Sam): Oh boy. (a slice of space opens on the bridge as strange harp like music is played. Out of the space, Dean Stockwell enters carrying what looks like a glorified pocket calculator and dressed in loud clothing) Al! Where am I? Where've I leaped to this time? Al: Where no man has gone before, Sam. - images of Nixon, old cars, and a man surrounded by fog - - commercial - Sam: What? Troi: What is it, Will? I sense...confusion. Who's...'Al?' Al: (walking over to where Troi is siting) At your service, beautiful! Sam: (ignoring Al) Uh, um, nothing. I, uh, just meant, uh, all hands prepare to go full steam ahead. Al: (sarcastically) Oh, BRILLIANT Sam. (Sam gives him a nasty look) Wesley: Who is that man standing there? And why is that other man in Cdr. Riker's uniform? All (in unison): Shut up, Wesley. Data: Are you quite all right, Commander? Sam: Uh, yeah. I'm fine. Oh boy. Uh, what's our status? Worf: Commander, the Borg are headed towards Earth at warp factor six and they have transformed the captain into one of them. Wesley: Will someone please tell me what's going on! All (in unison): Shut up, Wesley! Sam: I, uh, see. Well, continue pursuing them at warp factor six and let me know if anything happens. I'll be in my quarters. Worf: Aye aye, sir. (Sam heads towards the turbolift. As he leaves the the bridge, we hear his voice even though he isn't speaking.) Sam's voice: Leaping can be a disorienting phenomenon. You never know where or when you're going to end up. This leap, though, was the strangest of all. It felt like I was transported into one of those science fiction shows that I would watch on TV. If I could only remember the name of it. Let's see, it was Star Voyage, or Star Journey, or Star Trek, something like that. Anyway, I realized something else disturbing: I had no idea where my quarters were! Al: Hey, look at you Sam! You look like Buck Rogers! Sam: (startled) Will you knock it off, Al, and tell me what I'm doing here! And how come that ensign could see you and me? (the turbolift doors open and Sam continues down the hall trying to figure out which room is his, all the while continuing to talk with Al) Al: (slapping his handlink) Well, Sam, Ziggy says there's an 84.3% chance that you are here to rescue Captain Picard from the, uh, (slaps his handlink again) Borg who are threatening to take over the earth. Oh, here's your cabin. (Al stops at the right door.) Sam: (reading the tag on the door) Commander William Riker. (As the door swooshes open, he walks inside only to find Al already there.) And if I don't succeed? Al: Then Ziggy says that the series, Star Trek: The Next Generation, gets canceled due to pressure from fanatical Patrick Stewart groupies and the entire cast spends the rest of their lives doing nothing but product endorsements. Sam: Is that it? Al: Well, Ziggy says there's also a 47.9% chance you're just here to flush someone named Wesley out of an airlock. Oh, Wesley was that ensign that saw us. You know, little kids and animals can see us because of their low IQ's. Sam: (looking in a mirror) Geez, this guy is sure putting on weight. But, okay all I have to do is get this Picard guy back and the galaxy is saved, right? Al: Basically. Sam: But how do I... (Suddenly, Riker's door bell buzzes.) Al: Gotta go, Sam. Tina's meeting me for dinner, not to mention dessert. (Again, a space opens up and Al steps in as the space closes again.) Sam: Uh, come in. (The doors open up and reveal Shelby, dressed in a tight-fitting evening gown that leaves little to the imagination and carrying a bottle of Don Perignon, vintage 2302.) Shelby: Watcha doing, big boy? Sam: Oh boy. - commercial - (As we fade in, we hear Sam's voice again.) Sam's voice: The funny thing about leaping is you never know who or what you're going to find. I mean, here I was, a commander on some 'starship', and now here was this beautiful woman standing at my door. Still, I didn't feel quite right about the situation. Sam: Uh, what are you doing here? Shelby: What does it look like? Sam: Well, gee. I, uh... Shelby: (slinking up to him and putting her finger on his mouth) Ssshhhh. Don't say anything. (She turns towards the food replicator) Two chapagne glasses. (Taking the glasses from the replicator, she opens the champagne and pours some.) A toast, to the new captain of the Enterprise. Sam: What? Shelby: Well, now that Picard's out of our way, there's nothing we can't do! Sam: What do you mean, 'we'? Shelby: What do you mean "what do you mean"? You don't think I'm going to let you have all the glory, do you? Sam: Well, gee, I just thought... Shelby: (angrily) You just thought! Well, I never! (she storms out of his cabin. Sam fixes his uniform and heads back towards the bridge. Once on the bridge, he almost starts to issue commands when he realizes two things: he doesn't know a thing about running starships and he doesn't know anybody's name.) Wesley: (looking up from his console) Hey! It's that man again! All (in unison): SHUT UP, WESLEY! Sam: Uh, status report. Worf: No change, Commander. Sam: Then why don't we, uh, form a... Al: (popping back in with the usual musical accompaniment) Away team, Sam. Wesley: And that other guy! All (in unison): SHUT UP, WESLEY!! Sam: Right, an away team and we'll... Al: Beam aboard, rescue Capt. Picard, and all that save the universe stuff. Sam: Yeah, we'll beam aboard and rescue Capt. Picard. (Just then, the turbolift doors open and Shelby (back in uniform) walks onto the bridge giving "Riker" an evil look.) Al: Uh, oh, Sam. That's Cmdr. (slapping his keypad) Shelby and she's after your position. Sam: (whispering softly) We've met. Al: You know, she reminds me of this girl I knew in the Navy. Let's see, her name was Linda. No, come to think of it, I think it was Lindy. Or was it Lydia? Sam: (whispering loudly) Al! (Turning his attention to the three-dimensional figures in the room) Okay, (pointing at Data, Troi, and Dr. Crusher) you, you, and you come with me. Cmdr. Shelby, you take over here. Shelby: But... (Sam ignores her and walks towards the turbolift followed by the away team. When they all enter the turbolift, Sam suddenly realizes he doesn't know where the transporter room is. Fortunately for him, Troi steps out of the turbolift first and leads the way.) Sam: (stepping on the transporter pad) Uh, energize? (Sam is surrounded by a strange glow that makes him think, for a minute, that he is leaping again. When the glow disappears, he sees several android-like figures surrounding him.) Oh, boy. - commercial - Sam: Where are we? Data: I believe we are on the Borg ship, Commander. Troi: Now what do we do? Locutus: Doing is irrelevant. Beverly: Jean-Luc! Sam: Who? Troi: Capt. Picard! Sam: Capt. Picard?!? But he's... Troi: He's one of them! Sam: Well, uh, we better get him back to the ship. Data: (slapping his communicator) Data to Enterprise. Five to beam up directly to the bridge. Picard: (once on the bridge) Wha...? Troi: Captain! You've returned to normal! Data: Yes, Counselor. I theorized that by removing him from the Borg ship and returning to the Enterprise would remove him from the Borg influence. Wesley: Brilliant, Data! I would never have thought of that. But I'd still like to know WHAT THAT MAN IS DOING IN CMDR. RIKER'S UNIFORM!!! Picard: Oh, shut up, Wesley! (Just then, we hear strange sound effects and we all know that Al is back. Sam, noticing his reappearance, slinks to the back of the bridge.) Sam: Well, I got Picard back. Al: Yep, Sam, and according to Ziggy, the show doesn't get cancelled for three more seasons and then is followed by a successful string of movies. Sam: So why haven't I leaped? Al: I don't know, Sam. Maybe there's something else you have to do. Sam: Oh, yeah! Hey Wes, how about you and me checking out the airlock? (Just then, Sam is enveloped by that strange blue light. He regains his senses to find he's on the bridge of another, less sophisticated starship dressed in strange, armored clothing.) Torg: The bridge appears to be run by computer. It is the only thing speaking. Communicator voice: Let me hear. Computer: ...five, four, three... Klingon #1(Sam): Oh boy. - freeze frame - * Tracy Finifter | "You miss too much these days * * finifter@gandalf.rutgers.edu | if you stop to think." * * Douglass College, Rutgers University | -- U2 * * New Brunswick, NJ | "Until the End of the World" *