Newsgroups: alt.ql.creative From: buc@world.std.com (Quantum Buc) Subject: Quantum Leap - Star Trek:TNG Crossover Parody Keywords: QL Parody Sender: buc@world.std.com (Elliott C. Buchholz) Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA Date: Sun, 13 Dec 1992 01:00:04 GMT Lines: 391 Star Trek: The Nestles Generation EPISODE 69 "WHERE NO MAN HAS LEAPED BEFORE" Story by Q. Buc Based on the original novel by William Shakespeare [Scene opens on the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise] [Bright Flash on Bridge] Geordi: What was that? Is it Q again? Riker: Shush, you! The Captain is giving a monologue, er, I mean Captain's Log. Sam: Huh? Riker: Quiet, Worf! Picard: Ahem. Captain's Log. We are en route to Achbarachtech to to escort the high Ichbarztoachi Fred to the Intergalactic Hard-To-Say Names Conference. We anticipate an uneventful trip. [Sam is busy studying the strange outfit he is wearing. He looks into one of the reflective thingies on his console and sees his reflection.] Sam: Oh boy! I'm a 6 foot lizard. Al: Your a Klingon, Sam. Sam: A what? Data: What? Al: A Klingon. An alien race from Star Trek. Sam: What's that? Data: What? Al: A tv show from the late 20th century. It lasted 12 seasons before being replaced by 'Trekkie Babies'. Sam: But how can I LEAP into a tv show? Or even into the future? I thought I could only LEAP into a time period between when I was born and when I LEAPed. Data: What? Al: Where did you hear that? Sam: In the voice over at the beginning of our show. Al: Oh. [pulls out pocket Texas Instruments Calculator] Ziggy says your here because of... [hits calculator a few times as it squeals] Poetic Liscense. Sam: What? Data: What? [Al hits the calculator for a few more squeals] Al: Oh. You're here to...boost our sagging ratings. What you have to do is... Picard: Mr. Data, why do you keep saying 'What'? Data: Mr. Worf keeps on speaking to himself. Geordi: HE what? Hey, Mister. No smoking cigars on the bridge. Didn't you see the sign? Al: Uh oh. The punk rocker can see me. I'm out'a here. [Al strikes the calculator for a few more bleeps and a white door appears before him] Geordi: Hey where'd that door come from? What? Hey, Worf..HEY YOU! GET AWAY FROM THERE! WHERE'S WORF? Troi: I sense pain. I sense...oh... Al: I sense a bodacious set of ta-tas. Later Sam. Sam: Wait! Geordi: STOP! [He dives at Al, passes through him, and slams into the bulkhead, unconscious. ] Picard: Emergency medical team, to the bridge! What the hell is going on here? Riker: Careful, sir. No swearing. Wesley: I know what happened! Riker: Quiet, boy! [Beverly Crusher rushes in and tends to Geordi] Picard: What's wrong with him? Beverly: He has a severe concussion, and he's wearing funny glasses. Other than that, he's fine. Picard: I need to know what happened? How long will he be unconscious? Beverly: Oh, about another 45 minutes, give or take a commercial. Picard: Worf, do you know what happened? Wesley: I know. Riker: Shut up, boy. Beverly: Hey! Wesley: Thanks, Mom. Beverly: Shut up, boy. Sam: Uh, I don't know, sir. I was just looking at this thingie here. Picard: You were...WHAT? Sam: Looking at this...thing? The one that says CLOAKED ROMULAN APPROACHING? Picard: WHAT? RED ALERT! Shields up! Arm phasers and photon torpedoes! Riker: Captain? Remember, we're peaceful. Shouldn't you give them a severe talking to, before we blast them to bits? Picard: Ah, yes. Sorry. I'm still thinking about that other episode. You're right. Perhaps we should surrender? Riker: Ah. That's more like it. Picard: Yes. Surrender. Worf, make it so. Sam: What? Uh, right. Maybe if I press this button. [Sam presses big button. Loud noise is heard.] Data: Saucer section is detaching, sir. [Exterior Shot: Just as the ship separates, the Romulans fire, and the blast passes through the gap between the 2 parts of the Enterprise.] Picard: Excellent maneuver, Worf. You saved the ship. Sam: Gee, thanks. Picard: Now, let's try surrendering, one more time. Sam: Okay. [Hits another button] Data: Photon Torpedos firing, Sierra pattern, into empty space. [The torpedos explode and a second, hidden Romulan ship is destroyed. The first Romulan ship, properly chastised, runs away.] Picard: My. That was a surprise. I'm glad you saved us again, Worf, but next time, try not to use the weapons. This is the 24th Century, you know. Sam: Oh, boy. Picard: Are you feeling okay? Troi: I sense...OH! Sam: Al, STOP THAT! Picard: Excuse me? Al: C'mon Sam. Will you look at her body? Geez, what I wouldn't give to pop those seams. Picard: Worf, do you need some rest? Sam: Uh, no sir. I need... Uh, I need to go to the bathroom. Picard: Sorry, Worf. You know we don't have any. Seems to be a defect in all starships. Sam: Oh, boy. Picard: Number One, what do you...Number One? Has anybody seen my Number One? Data: A strange being in a black cloak and a funny mask transported in, grabbed him, and transported out. Sam: Batman? Wesley: I know! Troi: Shut up, boy. OH! The Pain! I mean, the Ecstasy. Picard: Deanna, perhaps you should take a break. Deanna: Yes, sir. Perhaps a good skinneydip on the Holodeck would ease my nerves. I'm due for a nude scene, you know. Al: Oh Boy! Sam: Oh Boy. Wesley: OH BOY!!! Picard: At ease, boy. [Scene shifts to Worf's Quarters] Sam: Al, what am I supposed to do to LEAP out of here? Al: Ziggy says [whacks TI calculator].. there's a 99% possibility you're here to give that hot babe in the green dress the most passionate sexual experience of her life. Sam: Oh boy! Hey, it does not! Al: I know. But you have to fall in love with SOMEONE. You do every LEAP. And you have to admit, that tamale has the nicest set of... Sam: AL! Al: Okay. Let me check again. [Al whacks calculator some more while Sam looks around the room. He pauses to examine whips, chains, oil, spikes, tongues, case of Prune Juice, hot coals, dental instruments, and a comfy chair] Sam: Hey, Al, how come all these shackles are so small? Why, a full grown adult couldn't fit in... Al: Ah, here it is. You're here to.. Ship: INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT Lt. Worf to the Bridge. Sam: Oh Boy. [Scene shifts to Bridge. Other than for Picard and Wesley, all stations are empty. Sam enters.] Sam: Sir? Picard: We have a problem, Lieutenant. Our friend in black has struck again. He was spotted several times. He was seen grabbing Data, Geordi, Troi, O'Brien, Beverly, Gomez, Troi, and Yar. Sam: How come you said Troi twice? Picard: Actually, he grabbed Deanna SEVERAL times. Sam: Oh Boy. Wesley: I know what.. Picard: Quiet, boy. [Sudden Flash on Bridge] Al: Sam, someone's LEAPing! Q: Jean Luc. Miss me? Picard: Q! What are you doing here? Are you behind this? Q: Don't be absurd. I just stopped by because I always appear in one of these parodies. Just like sexual Troi humor, sexual Worf humor, and put-down Wesley jokes. Wesley: Hey! Q: Shut up, boy. The only thing missing is a stupid appearance by the TOS crew. Kirk: Hey! Q: Anyway, now that I've fulfilled my contractual obligations, I'll be going. Try not to drool, Micro Brain! Sam: Hey! I don't need to be talked to that way by a mass of Quantum- charged particles fused with xzy4q energy. Q: What? I don't need this! I hear my Q calling! [Q departs] [Commercial Break] Picard: Well, here we are, after the final commercial break, and no end in sight. Time for a quick surprise conclusion that is totally unsatisfying! Wesley: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! YOU WANT THE TRUTH? [Wesley leaps behind the console and jumps out wearing a black teddie and panties.] Wesley: oops. [Jumps again. This time appears in a black cloak and black mask] Picard: This is the surprise ending, boy? Your father was Darth Vader? Wesley: NO NO NO! I'M SICK OF IT! ALWAYS BOY BOY BOY. I HAVE A NAME. EVERYONE KNOWS IT! BUT NOOOOOO, YOU ALL CALL ME BOY BOY BOY. BUT I SHOWED THEM ALL. BONK BONK! BWAHAHAHA. Ahem. And now, your last. Using my incredible intellect, I programmed the computer to think I was you, and order self destruct. Unless you speak my name, the ship will destruct in 20 seconds! Picard: Now, uh, boy. There's no need for this. Wesley: BOY? BOY?!? BWAHAHAHAHA. Al: Sam! Do something! Sam: What can I do? I don't know the brat's name? If only he had a nice name like my uncle. Good ol' Uncle Wesley. I remember all the times... Computer: DESTRUCT ABORTED. Wesley: AAARRRGGHHH!!! No FAIR! Al: Good job Sam. Picard: Now, boy.. Wesley: GRRRR... Picard: Wesley, things will look up once you complete puberty. You know, you're lucky I'm such a peaceful man. Here take this turbolift to Ten-Forward. Have a drink. [Pushes Wesley into turbo] Wesley: But there's no lift here! AAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhh.. Picard: Bwahahahaha. Now Beverly's mine. He thought he was good. But he wasn't. NOT GOOD ENOUGH, DAMMIT. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. ahem Al: Good job Sam. See ya. Sam: Wait, I forgot to reset the........ . | \ * ./ . * * * . -=* LEAP! *=- . .* * * . / * .\ | . Computer: COUNT DOWN RESUMING. 5...4.. ----------------------- NEXT WEEK ON STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENUFLECTION Kirk: Not on MY SHIP, Mister! Quantum Buc (aka Elliott C. Buchholz) -- Quantum Buc >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> INTERNET: buc@world.std.com "Oh v ^ "Let the pigeons loose!" COMPUSERVE: 71034,2464 Boy!" v <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<