From: Philippa Chapman (Glastonbury, Somerset, UK.) Date: Sun, 23 Feb 1997 15:00 +0000 Subject: Samantha's Song (complete) SAMANTHA'S SONG Author's disclaimer: Don't ask me where this idea came from, it just appeared in my mind one day and said 'Write *this*!' Those of you who know me will be only too aware of how much I value the character of Sam and how Scott became him in QL. And yet, there was this new voice saying, 'What if Sam had been a woman all the time, right from the start? How might that affect the relationship between *her* and Al?'. This was followed by the time-honoured thought, 'Ohhh, boyy!!' So, here it is. Right out of the twilight zone, from the end of the world to your town. Musings from the minds of Al and *Samantha*. Boy, is this *weird*. 'It is possible that you can move into the moment of a Might-have-been and change it.' AL'S PERSONAL FILE. I guess I'd always admired Samantha. She was a strong-minded, independant woman with a heart of gold. I was swept along by her genius, the way she'd sit up all night, writing pages and pages of math and physics that were way beyond my grasp. She was always a bit of a loner. A brilliantly clever man can often be alone, but even in the late 80's, it was still difficult for women. She'd come through the last three decades leaving most of her contemporaries stunned in her wake. Her height didn't help. In another life-time she would have been first pick at basketball or netball; indeed, she played both very well. So when she accepted me as a friend and helped me through the dark night of despair I was in, I felt flattered. I became a new father figure for her. We spent weeks discussing exactly what Ziggy should do and how she would do it. Computers I knew, and how to cut through the red tape to get the extra funding for Project Quantum Leap. Then Samantha introduced me to Tina and life definitely looked up for a while, until I found out that she and Gushie had already been lovers for some time and hadn't really stopped. How she could prefer him to me, I couldn't tell; but I let go with as much good grace as I could muster, then went and took out my rage and frustration on my punch-bag, pushing my body to the limit until I dropped. Samantha was there to pick me up and made me the first person to speak to Ziggy when she went on line. The experience of encountering the first artificial intelligence in the world was an incredible thrill and just what I needed to boost my self- confidence again. When Ziggy announced that the project was ready to be started up, that the past could be accessed at last, we threw the best party we could muster, champagne and everything. It was late in the evening when I noticed that Samantha had slipped away from the party. I knew she didn't like small talk, but I thought that since it was her baby that was up and running, Samantha's behavior was unusual. I found her in her office, sitting in her chair with her back to the door. I went up behind her and put my hands on her shoulders. "What is it, Samantha?" She turned the chair around and put her hands on mine. She looked lost and confused. "I don't know, Al. Something just doesn't seem right, somehow." Her hands moved up and clasped my arms a little higher. Then it happened. I don't know to this day which of us moved first, perhaps we moved together, but suddenly my lips found hers and her hands were behind my head, pulling me closer. It was the longest, sweetest, most earth- shattering kiss I could ever remember. And I knew it was the same for her. When I finally broke free about half a lifetime later, I knew that nothing would ever be the same between us. I was a little scared, but mostly I was trembling with anticipation. All these years she had been there, right under my nose, waiting for me to wake up and discover her. I was most certainly awake now. Every nerve ending in my body was tingling. I said to myself Her eyes were dark emerald pools of growing wonder and delight. Well, I was not about to waste any more time. I moved across the tiny aching gap between us and began to kiss her again. Flames of desire began to spark into life inside me. They would have risen higher and engulfed us both if the door hadn't swung open with a crash. We pulled apart, breathless and embarrassed. It was Tina and Gushie. He spoke for both of them. "We've just had a call from the Senate Committee. They want proof that the Project really works, and they want it yesterday!" Samantha stood up, pulling herself up to her full height. I could feel the distance between us already. I rose to my feet beside her. Then Samantha moved, pushing through Gushie and Tina towards the Accelerating Chamber. We followed with haste. Gushie was shouting at Samantha to stop and I was numb with shock. By the time we caught up with her, she was already in her Fermi suit. I caught hold of her, feeling angry, frustrated and terrified. "You can't do this!" I pulled her to me and kissed her, hard, not caring if Gushie and Tina saw me. Samantha looked at me with calm determination. "I can and I must, Al. I'll be back soon enough - you probably won't even notice I'm gone." "But what about *us*?" I whispered. She gave me her most beautiful smile. "Soon, Al. Just be patient a little longer. We'll have our own celebration, probably even later tonight." She gave me a last kiss that warmed me right down to my toes, then she was gone. Lost, adrift in time. Forgetting the kisses that had passed between us and hanging on to our friendship. If I hadn't been able to see and hear her, I'd probably have gone crazy. I put my own desires to one side and concentrated on getting her back home, whole, to my waiting empty arms. Samantha changed the timelines so many times that it was difficult to keep track of all the minor adjustments. I left Ziggy to do that. But, on a personal level, I became aware of three distinct threads in my own life. In all of them, Samantha and I had shared those kisses. The first was a continuation of the history I had already lived. In the second, I had been apparently happily married to Beth until that kiss. When I came back to find Beth waiting for me, she was angry and hurt at my temporary lapse. I spent all my time with her walking the tightrope between forgiveness and divorce threats. Luckily Beth was only there on a few occassions, or it could have been a lot worse. Because in the third timeline, which came into being later on, Samantha and I had not been interrupted. We'd had the presence of mind to lock the door and close the blinds, before sinking onto the single bed Samantha kept in her office. The flames of desire had burned into white-hot passion, but there was more to it than that. When we touched, my deep wells of desire had met her longing for spiritual union and soared hand in hand until we had turned each other inside out and our souls became one. We were completely united in every way, uttering every word of love and devotion to each other. We made our loving into acts of total commitment to one another. There could never be anyone else for either of us, ever again. Yet when the call came from the Senate Committee in the early morning, she had still leaped, leaving me only beautiful memories and a tender love-letter. 'My darling Al, forgive me. If I don't prove my theories, they may shut us down, and then we'd be parted. I couldn't bear that, not after finding heaven with you last night. When I come home successful we will be able to be together; they will deny us nothing. I won't be away long; it's just a small step into the past. I love you, now and always. Your own Samantha.' Yet when I went back to Samantha, she still did not remember anything. SAMANTHA'S STORY I've always been a loner. Tall, gawky and with a mind far in advance of my years. I grew up like a cuckoo in the Elk Ridge nest, outstripping my peers, yet hungry for their friendship. When the boys found I could outsmart them in any subject, they left me alone. The girls were worse. They were catty and vindictive or coldly distant. I longed to make friends, but didn't know how until I got to M.I.T. and found that I wasn't a complete freak, there were other people who could understand me. Everything poured out of me in a rush of enthusiasm. A young student a couple of years ahead of me called Patrick came the closest to following the physics in my head. I turned to him, love-starved, unkissed and let him seduce me. I discovered some of the pleasures of sex, but a greater part of me remained untouched and still needing something more. I believed that Professor LoNigro was the answer. When he took me and a couple of others to his cabin and we stayed on alone after they went home, I attempted my first seduction. He was a patient lover, always putting my needs first. Our minds met by day and our bodies by night, but there was still something missing. I know now that it was real love and overwhelming passion. The Hindu writings, and others, spoke of a spiritual union between a man and a woman. That was what I began to long for, but knowing that I had yet to find it. Then I met Al. He was drunk, bitter and in deep despair, but I saw that there was something more under the surface. I pulled him up, helped him straighten his life out with my doctoring skills and we became friends. We were so opposite that we somehow met round the back. He became like a father figure, whilst I was the daughter he'd never had. He was the first person I could work with in true companionship. I never saw what was happening until too late. I didn't know that Tina and Gushie were still an almost-item when I introduced her to Al as our new fellow worker. I'd heard of the way Al could charm a woman and now I saw it happening before my very eyes. His whole being went on alert from the moment he saw her and his eyes positively glowed. When he kissed her hand gallantly just after being introduced, I saw her defences melting almost instantaneously. It took him very little effort to win her over the rest of the way. Then I had to pretend to be deaf while Tina tried to tell me about him behind his back. She was only doing what many women will do under similar circumstances, but girl talk has always been difficult for me, not having much experience to draw on. And I know now that I was envious and wishing it could have been me. Tina eventually went crawling back to Gushie on a permanent basis and I was left to pick up the pieces. Again. The old friendship came back, but I could feel a certain tension. It was my tension, of course. My subconscious was trying to tell me to take Al in my arms and make him forget Tina, but my conscious mind was refusing to listen. I know now that I was scared. Scared of proving a failure and winding up with a broken heart, yes; but even more scared that it would be successful beyond my wildest dreams. There were the age gap and the height gap standing like two giant monoliths between us. The party came at last, but I couldn't join in the laughter. I had no frame of reference to tell me that I was already in love with Al. I was also concerned about Ziggy's announcement. It had almost come too easily. I could hardly believe that I would be observing the past as soon as I wanted to. I went to my private study to try to think. As soon as Al touched me, something shifted deep inside me. He was my best friend, he cared for me. He would never try to hurt me. If he really couldn't love me, he would find a way to let me down gently and tenderly. Then our lips met, the world stopped and time held it's breath; or maybe it was the other way around. All I know was that I was completely overwhelmed, and so was he. I could feel it in the way that we were both trembling as the kiss grew and deepened between us. Everything else ceased to exist except our two eager mouths and the sensations they were awakening together. The two barriers between us didn't stand a chance; they melted away like snow in Spring. When he gently eased away from me I felt bereft. I looked into his dark brown eyes and saw them alight with wonder and love and desire - all for me. His mouth found mine again and I know I was close to complete and joyful surrender when Gushie and Tina burst in. All of the new love I'd come so close to vanished from my memory as soon as I leaped. If Al was a little testy and short with me, or gave me strange, almost longing glances, my mind refused to put in the missing connection for a long time. He was always there for me, urging me on, protecting me when he could and being the best friend I'd always known. Then came the leap where I was working at an electrical sub-station and we underwent a strange simo-leap. When I came to in a solitary confinement cell, I had most of Al's memories along with my own. I remembered the kiss first, which had always been there and understood why Al's eyes had sometimes given me long, searching looks. I discovered that he found me stunningly attractive, which surprised and pleased me. Then I dredged up the alternate time-line where we had also been lovers and felt ashamed that I could have been capable of abandoning him after such beautiful passion when we had become one in every sense of the word. I had been too much driven by my need to prove myself and my theories and let the love of my life slip through my fingers. It wouldn't happen again. Let them close the whole thing down when I got back if they liked, as long as I could make it up with Al. I had a whole day by myself, wrestling with my conscience and finally admitting the depth of my love for Al before he turned up. I saw how tired and strained he looked and suddenly felt like a complete bastard. I took my courage in both hands and looked him straight in the eyes. "I'm so sorry, Al. You should have reminded me that I'm in love with you." Al's eyes glowed at me like they had done before. "It wasn't till now that I knew how much of a wrench it was for you to leave me like you did. And how deeply you love me. I've seen myself through your memories, darling." He came and sat as close to me as he could and we opened our hearts to each other. I was so absurdly grateful that he still loved me as much as ever. We both tried several times to touch each other even though we knew it wouldn't work. He got angry with me too, but I took it. I reckoned that I deserved it. "If and when I get back, I'm not going away again. Next time, it's for keeps, if you'll have me." Al's grin was almost back to normal. "Bellissima, I wouldn't have it any other way. No other woman has affected me the way that you do." Then I leaped. It was dark. Dark, cold and out of doors. Stars filled the heavens above me. I shivered, then got to my feet. I was barefoot *and* in my Fermi suit. I heard the unmistakeable tiny noises of the desert at night. The New Mexico desert, but it was somewhere close to freezing tonight. I heard a moan ahead of me and looked around. I was in the compound of the project, but a long way from the buildings. I followed the sound of the moan. Another body lay on the ground in a Fermi suit. It was Al! He had been here longer than me, his hands, feet and head were like ice. I ignored the questions of how and why and helped Al back across the desert as fast as I could. I found my own trailer and pulled Al inside. His Fermi suit was wet with moisture; either sweat or water, I couldn't tell. He was semi-conscious and close to hypothermia. I managed to get him to the bed, stripped off the suit, bundled him under as many covers as I could find, then got in myself. Slowly, slowly he warmed up and we fell asleep in each other's arms. Somewhere in the middle of the night I had to remove my own suit for personal comfort, then I slept on. Morning light drifted through the curtains. I looked at Al carefully, but he was sleeping like a baby and his color was back to normal, thank God. I carefully eased myself out of bed and fetched a large glass of orange juice for both of us. When I came back into the bedroom, Al was tossing and turning and muttering in his sleep. "Gushie, you've got to let me go after her now that we know how to get her back. No, I insist. The Senate Committee can go whistle for all I care. I'm going, and that's final!" I put down the juice and climbed back into bed. "Al, it's okay. Whatever you did, it worked. I'm home and so are you." I gently shhok him, then helped him drink the juice, which he swallowed gratefully. Then his eyes opened properly and he realised that I was really there. A joyful, tender smile broke across his face. "Samantha? It's really you!" Then he pulled me down to him and we kissed for the first time in ages. Then he grinned up at me. "I spent the whole night with you, like this, and didn't notice?" "Well, you were very close to hypothermia last night, darling. I'm not sure if you're fully recovered yet." Al's grin widened and he pulled me closer. "Tell me, my beautiful green-eyed doctor, if it doesn't feel like I've fully recovered!" I chuckled and blushed simultaneously. I decided to have some fun *and* show Al how much I cared all at the same time. "Doctor's orders, Al. You're to lie back, relax and take your intensive treatment." For a moment I could see that Al thought I was turning him down, but when I gently climbed on top of him, he caught on. "Ohhh, Samantha! *That* sort of treatment. You know, I think I might need an awful lot of this before I feel fully recovered." "Let me show you just how much I love you," I whispered, as I bent to kiss him,"The rest of the project staff will just have to wait until I unlock the trailer door." And I introduced him to the new, liberated, grateful, joyful and passionate Samantha that he had helped bring into being.