Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 16:37:53 -0500 (CDT) From: 2EI5ZEMANP@vms.csd.mu.edu Subject: "This Man, This Dinosaur" Message-Id: <01H4DQ98JDIG90NTKU@vms.csd.mu.edu> Author's Note: Just had this idea the other day, and needed the little humor to boost me out of the mid-term blues. Hope you enjoy it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "This Man, This Dinosaur" By Philip Zeman 2ei5zemanp@vms.csd.mu.edu As he again felt the tingle leave his spine, Sam knew that he had Leaped again, and from the looks of it, he did not Leap home - again. Of course, he couldn't see much of anything. His field of vision was reduced to a light patch in front of his eyes, as though something was covering his head. He rolled his eyes, and that's when he saw the wires attached to his "helmet", or whatever it was he was wearing. "What the --?" Sam raised his arms to try to get the obtrusion off, but his arms felt extremely unusual. Inspiration hit him, and he took a glance downward and noticed his whole body was in some suit of some sort. It was extremely heavy and extremely hot; Sam wanted no more of it. He struggled with the mask when radio static resounded inside. "Steve? What are you doing? We got a show to do?" the voice yelled into his ear. "Show?" Sam was thoroughly confused by now. He squinted, trying to see outside. He could make out some curtains and spotlights, and he realized he was backstage of some play or something. So he was in a costume. He turned, and tried walking a few steps. Very gracefully, he stumbled right into a dressing room mirror. As he fell down, he caught a glimpse of a huge purple body and an idiotic grin. "Oh boy... I'm Barney!" * * * * * * * * * * * * * * "Steve? Where are you man? The show starts in 4 minutes! Get in place by me!" Sam was helped to his feet by some stage hands, and saw a technician frantically waving by the entrance to the curtain. He walked with the precision of a drunk, but he finally made it next to who he assumed was the guy talking to him. "Okay, I'm here," Sam mumbled, and his chin brushed against the microphone inside the dinosaur head. "About time. You ready?" "Uh, no - I can't go on tonight." "What?" The technician was screaming, and Sam winced with pain inside the costume head. "What do you mean you can't go on? There are hundreds of little kids out there, waiting for Barney to come out and act like a complete idiot! You can do that!" "No I can't!" "Sure you can! Just go out there and act loving and caring and mushy stuff like that. They'll eat it up!" "But I can't remember my lines!" Sam protested "Funny, Steve. You don't _have_ any lines, remember? I'm the voice of Barney, and I control the mouth!" The technician moved some levers and spoke like he was high on helium. "It'll be STUUUUUPENDOUS!" the mouth of Barney said. `So I'm a purple dinosaur. Could be worse -- if I was dead.' Sam thought. Al chose this moment to step out thin air. "Hi Sam, uh, heh, heh -" Al started doubling over with laughter. "Great suit, Sam! Look like you're ready for Halloween!" he chortled. "Knock it off, Al. All I know is my name is Steve, and I'm Barney! Who is Barney? All I can remember is his name!" Al punched the handlink buttons. "Let's see, you are Steve Traxton, and you are an actor. Kinda down on his luck the past few years, but he has a steady job playing `Barney' for shopping mall and toy store appearances. Barney was that phenomenal public television show back in 1993." "Now I remember. Couldn't stand that show. But all the kids loved it." "Yeah, they got hooked on it. Later, studies showed that Barney's producers were sending out subliminal hypnotics through certain musical phrases. Once a kid started watching it, he wouldn't move until it was done. Parents thought this was great that their kids weren't running all over the house, so they didn't realize what harm it was doing. Of course, right now, all kids are doing poorly in school. Uh, Sheryl Leach -- that's the show's creator -- is doing some community service as part of her sentence for helping ruin the kids of America." "So what am I here to do?" Sam wondered. "Beats me and Ziggy. Maybe you are here to help the dinosaur population revive, sort of a `Jurassic Park' type thing!" Al was enjoying himself immensely. "Very funny." "Steve? Come on man, that's your cue!" The technician pushed Sam -- who knows exactly _how_ -- onto the stage. Sam lurched forward, almost losing his balance. But he didn't fall over, which was good. Last thing he needed was to look like a total idiot. He mused on this thought for a second; like he didn't look foolish enough already. He shook his head, but then realized there was a crowd of kids looking on, and "Barney" was speaking. "Hiiiiii, boys and girls!" Sam waved, hoping that was the right thing to do. "Hiiiiiiiii, Baarneey!!!!" came a chorus of voices. "And how are you doing today?" "Fiiiiiiiiine!!!!!!!!!" "That's STUUUUUUUUUUPENDOUS!! Listen, why don't we sing a song together? I think you all know it." "Pssst! Steve! Get to your place, over toward stage right!" This time it was a woman's voice, probably because the first voice was currently breaking into Barney's theme song. "I love you, you love me..." Sam had a gut feeling of what the actions were supposed to be. For some reason, he remembered watching this show, God knows why. He pointed at the crowd, and then at himself, all the time walking closer to the end of the stage. "We're a happy family!" Sam outstretched his arms, trying to enjoy himself. He failed, miserably. "With a great big hug, and a kiss from me to you..." Sam blew the crowd a kiss. Unfortunately, he was a little too close to the end of the stage, and as he bent over, he realized that the laws of physics even applied to creatures extinct for over many years, and he fell off the stage, knocking off his head, and landing on a security man. A hush fell over the crowd. Then -- "Hey! Barney's a MAN!" "Who's that?" "I WANT BARNEY!" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! BARNEY'S DEAD!!!!!!" Sam looked up, and saw tons of kids running towards him. Al, in the meantime, had popped up right next to him. "You did it Sam! This becomes a huge scandal, and Barney's show takes a nose-dive in the ratings! It's canceled the next year, and the kids are spared! You saved the future, Sam!" "That's great Al! But what do I do about the--!" The mob of screaming, crying, and totally angry kids washed over him like a tidal wave, crushing the costume. Some children tore apart Barney's head, while others wanted to do the same to Sam -- and then he Leaped. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Author's Note: Hey, we can dream, can't we? =) -Phil Zeman, 10/21/93